Six reasons why being an executive is easier than getting punched in the face while you're asleep

Today was my last day of employment at a certain four-star hotel in southern Colorado (hopefully forever, but at least until summer), and I have to admit I'm pretty relieved. I was a bellman/valet for a good year and nine months, and I'm not sure how much longer I could've lasted. It's not that I didn't like the money; it's just that I can only stand being around stupid people for a short period of time before I start looking for sharp objects with which to maim them, and no one is stupider than rich, old, white people. I know, I know... I sound like some sort of FemiNazi or something, but it's the truth. If common sense were wealth, then these people would be living in refrigerator boxes and doling out sexual favors in exchange for cold leftovers and heroin.

The worst offenders are the guests taking classes at the Center for Creative Leadership, which is a local organization that draws CEOs from around the world and teaches them how to lead creatively, or whatever. One guy couldn't figure out how to open an unlocked van door from the inside. Another tried to give us his flight information so we could pick him up at the airport, but since the information included an airline that doesn't exist, we found it rather difficult to locate him. Yet another gave us the proper information for his departing flight out of Denver, and then promptly hopped a shuttle to the Colorado Springs Airport. Then there was the guy who gave us his information, waited at the airport twenty feet from our shuttle (which is clearly labeled on all sides with the name of the hotel) for an hour, and then hired a taxi to take him instead. Oh, and there was one guy who hopped on the shuttle and, upon arriving at the hotel (which is a good thirty minute drive away), informed the front desk attendants that he'd left his luggage at the airport.

These aren't your average Joes, either. I can't go into details, but most of these people are high-ranking executives at major international conglomerates and multi-billion dollar companies. Clearly, these individuals are no smarter than myself, and in fact, many of them are dumber than a sack of wrenches, but somehow they've managed to reach the upper echelons of business. How is this possible? I think I've stumbled upon a few reasons:

1) Business classes are easier than Britney Spears on coke. As someone who took several business classes early in his college career, I can attest to the fact that most business students would get migraines if they tried anything more intellectually taxing than wearing pants.

2) There will always be someone dumber than you at work, and all you have to do if you want to get ahead is just look a little better than that guy.

3) If you dress for success, use words like "utilize," "synergy," "memorandum," and "expense account," and trim your nails on a semi-regular basis, most people will simply assume you're management material (especially your manager, who got his job the same way).

4) If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Everyone will think you're better at your job than you really are if you wear glasses and shower at least a couple times a week.

5) It's easy to look competent when you blame your assistant and/or ethnic minorities for all your mistakes.

6) Being an executive is about as hard as beating Michael J. Fox in a standing still contest. (Too harsh? I have others: "... as beating Renee Zellweger in an acting contest." "... as beating Dennis Kucinich in a relevance contest." "... as beating Christopher Reeve in a moving-any-part-of-your-body contest.")

I used to be a business major, but then I realized my life would be more fulfilling if I lived in a pile of garbage.