Movies that will suck in 2008

In keeping with Snowden's movie theme, I've decided to comment on a few of the "big" movies coming up in 2008.

"Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull": Indiana Jones hasn't graced the silver screen in 18 years, but sadly, due to an odd side effect having something to do with the inevitable progression of time, or whatever, Harrison Ford is also 18 years older than he was when "Last Crusade" was released. I've seen some amazing things done via CGI in the last ten years, but one thing computers have yet to accomplish is making a 200-year-old man into an action star. Besides, that title is to my ears what sandpaper is to the underside of my tongue.

"Cloverfield": JJ Abrams fans may be shocked to realize he's not directing this film. Abrams is PRODUCING "Cloverfield," which is very different from directing. I'll be the first to admit that I was engrossed by the teaser trailer this summer. Abrams fanboys all over the Internet went nuts trying to figure out the title of the film, which was at that time codenamed "Cloverfield." Then, just a couple weeks ago, they finally discovered that the title of codename "Cloverfield" was, in fact, "Cloverfield." If that isn't a letdown of monumental proportions, I don't know what is. The only filmmaker who can get away with titling a monster movie "Cloverfield" is John Waters, and that's only because he's a complete moron. This film will make a ton of money in its first week with something known in the industry as "sucker business." After that, seeing as how all the hype is based on other hype rather than on a single advanced screening, people will realize that they've been duped once again by a marketing executive and an overrated producer. But don't take my word for it: This is what the New York Post has to say about "Cloverfield".



"The Happening": What is the deal with these titles? Apparently, the writers began striking earlier than we all thought. I'm still a huge M. Night Shyamalan fan, but after the reprehensible "Lady in the Water," I'm starting to lose faith. His decision to cast Mark Wahlberg as anything but furniture is also a fatal error. The last real art to which Mark Wahlberg contributed is still hanging on his parents' fridge.

"Sex and the City: The Movie": I don't even need to comment on this one. I will avoid this film enthusiastically, as I am certain I would get cancer from watching it.

2008 will probably be a great year for movies overall, but these films in particular will appeal to the dregs of our society. Maybe we'll finally prove what everyone else has known for decades: the average American moviegoer is a drooling idiot.