1.) Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium: This abusively-rhyming film stars the one Dustin Hoffman, a real Boffman who employs Natalie Poffman-- sorry. But just look at that title, guys! Isn't it pretty? Doesn't it just beckon you, saying "Oh, come unto me ye weary of free verse and confessionalist prose! Come you bedraggled meter-ophiles! I will keep you swarmed in warm charm from a farm!"? Somewhere, I think Dr. Seuss just read my prose with black toner and he is now a loner with a big throbbing--
Next movie!
2.) Love in the Time of Cholera: Okay so I didn't see this movie. But besides having one of the worst titles since "Dabney Coleman Fever", I actually read the first hundred pages or so of this book. As Wikipedia summarized a key plot point, "Upon returning home, Urbino falls to his death after trying to retrieve the household parrot from the branches of a mango tree." How I wish this was a euphemism. The book was written by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, the real-life sheriff of Willacoochie, GA, who is known around the small town as a consummate gentleman, so long as he's not "eatin lunch with his deputy Jimmy Beam."
3.) Into the Wild: I saw this movie with about 20 other college-age kids. They were inspired by the star's boldness, so much so that I swore I saw some of them leave the theater and go home without stopping for a Venti Cinnamon Dolce Latte!
The star is the same guy who stalked Elisha Cuthbert in "The Girl Next Door." Now he's in wilderness movies directed by Sean Penn. He might be happy now, but I guarantee it that 10 years down the road, when he's standing at a political rally with a crowd of unattractive co-eds, he's going to wish he had done the "poon" career track a little longer.
4.) Daddy Day Camp: If I could be anyone in the world, I would be Cuba Gooding, Jr. Why? For several reasons: the first is because I would be named Cuba. I would insist on it being pronounced "Cooba" though. Authenticity is very arousing for the womenfolk, or so I've read. Secondly, is there anyone else out there who could be so consistently awful yet still hold his job? Starting with 2001, Cooba has been in Pearl Harbor, Snow Dogs, Boat Trip, The Fighting Temptations, Radio, Norbit, Daddy Day Camp, and The Mother-Effin Land Before Time XII-effin-I! How does this man stay gainfully employed? He's the Ted Kennedy of Actors! Thirdly, I can think of few life roles more glamorous or dignified than serving as Washed-Up-Eddie-Murphy's-Sloppy-Seconds-Trash-Bin.
5.) 2 Days in Paris: This movie gets the award for closest approximation to a hi-fi adult film title. Though if this were the case, whoever co-starred in the film would have to be coated in titanium and sprayed with insect repellant on the 5's of every hour just to maintain basic vital signs, given the danky men's-locker-room-stagnant-shower-puddle known as Ms. Hilton. But believe me, no one would name a skin flick "Balls of Fury." That's just horrifying. This movie also stars the Token Jew from such movies as Saving Private Ryan, Edtv, and the Hebrew Hammer (maybe not so much token in that one).
All in all, this has been a banner year for films. A giant banner that says "Damn, We're Doin' So Well We Don't Need Writers Next Year!"
1 comment:
As Gareth from "The Office" might say, "Yeah, some questionsss..."
Exactly how much of what kind of marijuana were you smoking and for how long when you decided "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium" wasn't the verbal equivalent of a drill press to the scrotum? I can (and have) pulled better titles from the corner of my eye that produces all that goop while you sleep. Firstly, "Magorium" isn't a name. It isn't even a word. It was invented for the sole purpose of rhyming with the word "Emporium." And secondofly, an emporium is a store. Are we meant to believe that Mr. Magorium's store sells wonder? That doesn't even make any sense. If the writer wished to convey the idea that the store sold items that inspired wonder in whoever bought them (as I presume was the case), then he or she should have called it a "wonders emporium." That's "wonders" with a bloody "s"!! Then, even though he still couldn't get around the fact that he made up the name Magorium, he'd at least have a title that doesn't dry hump the eardrum.
Actually... I suppose that was my only "question" per se...
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